You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
