Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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