Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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