my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
