I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
