I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize