it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
