Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
