my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
