Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
