i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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