im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
