listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
