i was rollin on her like bob the builder
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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