Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
