We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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