Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
