I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
