well most of my day revolves around power hour
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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