No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
