Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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