**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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