before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
