woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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