i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
