Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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