i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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