Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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