I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
