Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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