i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
