On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
