just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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