she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
