I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
