There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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