I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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