i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
