Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
