I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
