evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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