i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
