threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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