she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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