omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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