I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
