At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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