Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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