After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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