Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
