i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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