i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
