I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
