is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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