Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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