I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In America we eat man semen.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize