I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
