Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
