I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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