So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
