just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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