i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Rumble strips road head = magical
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
